Attachment is A B*tch & how to get over it
I was speaking to a friend the other day who is a divorced single mom. She was really stuck in the story of how unfair her life had played out because she didn’t have a partner to share it with. My heart went out to her for the loneliness piece, but at the same time I saw how attached she was to this picture she had created in her mind. That it would bring her, the sort of, “answers to her prayers”. When we become so fixated on how that one thing will help us solve all our wants and desires, we tend to lose sight of who we really are in the process.
In the Yoga sutras, they speak of the 5 Obstacles (or Pancha Kleshas-pronounced klay-sha) or the mental states that cloud the mind, showing up as anxiety, fear, anger, jealousy, desire, depression, etc. The 3rd one is about attachment or desire. And the teachings tell us that "when our desires become constrictions they create suffering.” In other words, when the desire or attachment becomes so strong that it constricts our authentic self or true being, it robs us of shining into who we really are. Who we are really meant to be in this world! So...
how do you know you’ve fallen down the elusive rabbit hole?
I equate it to an obsession. It’s not healthy. It’s not clean. And you don’t feel good when you start thinking about it. It has a dark quality to it and you just feel yucky. It rattles your thoughts, it bothers you when you know it shouldn't and you just feel stuck.
yucky feeling happy feeling
dark & cloudy light & airy
can’t stop thinking about it Not thinking about it brings joy
you feel anxiety/stressed You feel peaceful
you're totally insecure you feel confident & know it
without this you don’t know who you are Without this you fully know you are OK!
Ok, so now you get the difference...
what the heck are you supposed to do now?!!
Identify you are doing this. It's the biggest and best thing you can do! In other words, Awareness. It’s literally shining a lightbulb in the face of the dark cloud and saying, “HEY! I see you there!” Bringing attention to your attachment is the first layer. It’s the first barrier.
The second thing, is figure out the What. What the what?? I know, it's strange, but hang with me here for a second. What are you getting out of it? Human beings do not do anything unless they get something from it. And I'll just jump to the most important pieces of that.
- Value of self- in other words, you get some validation from this attachment.
- Love-you learned early-on, this form of attachment gave you love, in some way, and you're hoping to recreate that feeling of being loved.
And the final step is the Action. FFS, yes I know! ACTION, baby! You have to replace it with a new positive thought & action. In the case with my friend, she could provide herself with her own partnership, create a new relationship with herself. An example could be to start a new workout regimen. Something totally out of the box, and try rock climbing or boxing! Both things improve health and mental clarity because she would always be relying on herself to be better. But more importantly, it would create an empowering relationship, giving her new found self-confidence. Or another option, create the family she wants with a friends circle. A group of women, in similar situations, who support one another unconditionally.
This is just the tip of the attachment iceberg, which can carry us for years in our own drama dynamic. If you feel this resonated with you in some way, please share in the comments below.
Yours in Bliss,
P.S. Is there something in your life that has taken on this quality? Is there something you can let go of? I want to know! And what are some tips you can share on HOW you let go?
P.P.S. Share this with a friend who you think could benefit from this post, they may thank you for it! 💜
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